


The Detention Hall Tango

by Ireallyenjoyforgetting



Category: Chicago the Musical, Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: A very musical episode, Chicago (Musical) References, Crack, Gen, I don't know why this is what was in my brain but it was, Musicals, Viktor Krum has no idea what's happening, Why is crack ever?, just go with it, music magic, stage directions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-24
Updated: 2021-02-24
Packaged: 2021-03-14 14:55:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,372
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29668989
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ireallyenjoyforgetting/pseuds/Ireallyenjoyforgetting
Summary: And now, the six Delightful Delinquents of the Hogwart’s Detention Hall in their rendition of The Detention Hall Tango."Pop""Six""Squish""Uh Uh""Skrivenshaft's""Longbottom"
Relationships: Daphne Greengrass & Pansy Parkinson, Hannah Abbott/Neville Longbottom, Lavender Brown/Ron Weasley, Parvati Patil/Blaise Zabini, Seamus Finnigan & Hermione Granger
Comments: 25
Kudos: 13
Collections: Music: A Magic Beyond All We Do Here





	The Detention Hall Tango

**Author's Note:**

  * In response to a prompt by [sunflower_swan](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunflower_swan/pseuds/sunflower_swan) in the [MusicMagic](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/MusicMagic) collection. 



> **Prompt:**
> 
> Chicago
> 
> The Cell Block Tango is arguably the most popular song from the musical "Chicago".  
> And not just in the Muggle world.
> 
> PS: I don't own either of the entities I'm playing with here.

_ A slow drum beat emanates through a classroom at Hogwart’s School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. _

_ A disembodied voice drawls: _

“And now, the six Delightful Delinquents of the Hogwart’s Detention Hall in their rendition of The Detention Hall Tango.”

_ Five witches and a wizard slink through the room, their uniforms scandalously short.  _

Hermione:

Snap.

Lavender:

Six.

Parvati:

Squish.

Viktor:

Uh-Uh.

Pansy:

Skrivenshaft’s.

Mona:

Longbottom!

_ The six students dance through the tables and chairs, whipping around to straddle them. They windmill their legs over the backs in wide archs before thrusting their chests out in unison. _

All:

He had it coming

He had it coming

He only had himself to blame.

If you'd have been there

If you'd have seen it

Pansy:

I betcha you would have done the same!

_ A curly haired brunette rounds the group of girls and addresses the front as she sings. _

Hermione:

You know how people

have these little habits that 

get you down. Like Seamus.

Seamus liked to play Exploding Snap.

Not work. Not read. Snap. Well, 

I came to the common room this one day and 

I am really irritated, and

looking for a little sympathy

and there's Seamus layin' on 

the couch, drinkin' a butterbeer and

playing. No, not playing. 

Snapping. So, I said to him, I

said, "Seamus, you snap those cards one more time..." 

And he did! 

Hermione:

So I took the wand off my wrist,

and fired two warning spells...

...into his head.

All:

He had it coming

He had it coming

He only had himself to blame.

If you'd have been there

If you'd have heard it

I betcha you would

Have done the same!

_ A cute blonde struts to the front and whips her long hair off her shoulder.  _

Lavender:

I met Ron Weasley from 

Ottery St Catchpole about six years ago 

and he told me he was single 

and we hit it off right away.

So, we started living together, well near each other. In the dorms. 

He'd go to class, he'd come back, I'd make him tea, we'd have dinner.

Well, it was like heaven in ten and a half...well I’m not actually sure how many rooms there are really. I think there might be twenty... does the Common Room count?

* _ Hermione glares at the blonde from across the classroom _ *

Lavender:

Well, then I found out, 

"Single" he told me? 

Single, my arse. Not only was he dating.

...oh, no, he had six girlfriends. 

One of those Weasley’s, 

you know. So that night when 

he came back, I made him 

his tea as usual.

Lavender:

You know, some guys just can't hold their sneezewort!

All:

Hah! He had it coming 

He had it coming

He took a flower

In its prime

And the he used it

And he abused it

It was a curse

But not a crime!

_ The dancers part to allow a dark-haired beauty through the line. She snaps at her side and dips her hip in time to the music. _

Parvati:

Now, I'm standing in the potions lab, 

Cutting up the dittany for bruise paste, 

minding my own business, 

and in storms Blaise 

in a jealous rage. 

"You’ve been stealing the milkthistle," 

he says. He was crazy 

and he kept on screaming 

"You’ve been stealing the milkthistle," 

Parvati

And then he ran into my knife! He ran into my knife TEN TIMES!

...It was just his bag, it’s not like I stabbed the prat!

All:

If you'd have been there

If you'd have seen it

I betcha you would have done the same!

_ From the back of the dancers, comes a very large, very confused looking man speaking quickly. _

Viktor:

Nyamam predstava kak popadnakh v Golyamata zala. Stoyakh v sredata na kuidichniya teren, gotov da izletya i dokato khvashtakh kŭrpa, za da izbŭrsha litseto si, prosto katsnakh na vŭrkha na sortirashtata shapka. Beshe dobre, kŭlna se! Dori se izvinikh! Zashto izobshto beshe v Golyamata zala? Ne tryabva li da se sŭkhranyava v kabineta na Direktora! I zashto poveche ne moga da govorya angliĭski?*

Parvati:

Yeah, but did you do it?

Viktor:

UH UH, not guilty!

_ The tall man retakes his place awkwardly in the formation now high kicking. Commanding the stage is now a haunting beauty with long, black hair and even longer legs. _

Pansy:

My friend, Daphne, and I did this gossip column 

and my boyfriend, Draco, used to tag along with us. 

Now for the last bit of our column, we had 20 revelations in a row,

One, two, three, four, five,

Splits, fights, backstab, double-cross

one right after the other. Well, this one night 

We’re down by Skrivenshaft's, the three of us, 

Sitting in the Three Broomsticks,

Drinking and having' a few 

laughs and we ran out of ink, 

so they went out to get some. 

I come out, open the front door 

And there's Daphne and

Draco doing Number Seventeen 

-the double-cross 

Pansy:

Well, I was in such a state of shock, I completely blacked out.

I can't remember a thing. It wasn't until later, when I was

washing the ink off my hands I even knew they were stunned.

All:

They had it coming

They had it coming

They had it coming all along.

I didn't do it

But if I'd done it

How could you tell me that I was wrong?

_ They part to allow the final storyteller to come forward; a sweet, wholesome girl. _

Hannah:

I loved Neville Longbottom

More than I can possibly say. 

He was a real botanical guy...

Sensitive...a gardener. 

But he was troubled. 

He was always trying 

to find some plant.

He'd go out every night 

looking for his plants 

and along the way 

he found Baneberry,

Gillyweed,

Rosemary and Devil’s Snare!

_ A gasp is heard from around the room _

Hannah:

I guess you can say we broke up because of magical differences.

He saw himself as a herbologist and I saw him hexed.

All:

The dirty bum, bum, bum, bum, bum

The dirty bum, bum, bum, bum, bum

They had it comin'

They had it comin'

They had it comin'

All along

'Cause if they used us

And they abused us

How could you tell us

That we were wrong?

Pansy, Hermione and Viktor:

He had it coming

He had it coming

He only had

Himself

To blame.

If you'd have been there

If you'd have seen it

I betcha

You would

Have done

The same!

Hermione:

You snap that card one more time!

Lavender:

Single my arse.

Parvati:

Ten times!

Viktor:

Kakvo po dyavolite se sluchva?*

  
  


Pansy:

Number Seventeen - the double-cross.

Hannah:

Artistic differences.

All:

I betcha you would have done the same!

_ The Voice _ :

“And now, Ladies and Gentlemen - the Keeper of the Keys, the

Countess of the Clink, the Mistress of Detention Row - Matron

"Mama" McGonnagal!”

_ Professor McGonnagal rises from her seat and turns to use it as a step onto her desktop. She looms over the girls, high on her desk, arms crossed and takes a deep breath, preparing to sing _

_ The classroom door bangs wide and in steps Headmaster Dumbledore, looking around in confusion. _

“Professor! What is going on here?!” he asks as his foot starts tapping to the music beginning to swell from somewhere in the room.

_ Behind the headmaster, we see Madame Pince dart into the room, rush over to Hermione Granger’s desk and slam closed the book in front of her.  _

“Miss Granger!” she snarls at her. “There is a  _ reason _ this book is in the Restricted Section of the library.” Pince snatches the book away from the stunned girl and mumbles as she exits the classroom. “Blasted “Musicallus Totallus”...every few years some student has to get  _ curious... _ damned pox of a book is what it is.. _ Showtunes _ for Merlin’s sake…”

Several of the girls straighten their uniforms, mortified. As everyone takes their seats again, the headmaster clears his throat and stares over at Hermione.

“Miss Granger, I believe that will be two extra weeks of detention for failure to exercise caution with restricted books,” he turns to exit, his robes swirling around him. 

Turning to look over his shoulder, he adds, “And ten points to Gryffindor for what is sure to be an entertaining evening in the pensieve of the teacher’s lounge.” 

**Author's Note:**

> Translation of what Viktor says in Bulgarian. Sorry if it’s awful, I’m using Google translate here:
> 
> *I have no idea how I ended up in the Great Hall. I was standing in the middle of the Quidditch Pitch, ready to take off and as I grabbed a cloth to wipe my face, I just landed on top of the sorting hat. It was fine, I swear! I even apologized! Why was it even in the Great Hall anyway? Isn't it supposed to be kept in the Headmaster's office! And why can't I speak English any longer?
> 
> *Second translated line, at the end: “What the hell is happening?”


End file.
